“Mr. Controversy”, picture classified
The Announcer, Mickey Cantor (voiced by Rodney Sherwood), is the head of the MNC sport, an entertainer to its fans, and a man shrouded in mystery. He seems to hold considerable influence over the MNC fans, reminding them that they must return to their assigned dwelling before government mandated curfews are in effect and informing them of specified locations for fan brawls. He may also be the cause of the disappearances of people who record and re-broadcast episodes of MNC.
Mickey Cantor, AKA “Mr. Controversy”, has survived six assassination attempts (two of them successful) to become the "most insightful MNC announcer in history". At some point in his past, he worked as a male dancer. Mickey has a checkered history including several personal scandals and arrests for non-violent criminal behavior. From his announcements in-game, it can be determined that he is divorced, and may have a gambling problem. For a while was he calling games out of his prison cell in Mexico as part of a plea agreement but eventually escaped from there and had to be replaced by new commentators GG Stack and Chip Valdano.
- Notable DNA
- Andres Cantor, unidentified merchant marine.
- Four team parlays, nice restaurants, weeklong parties; Chicky Cantor, his "Bestest Fwend"
- Process servers, divorce lawyers
- Hioh, everybody! Welcome to Spunky Cola Arena! Remember, drinking Spunky everyday ensures you have all the pep to be your best...while trying to quit drinking Spunky everyday leads to depression, apathy, anxiety, fatigue, intense hunger, paranoia, and insomnia...plus you might become pregnant or plan to become pregnant.
- Hioh! Welcome, everybody, to Monday Night Combat! I'm Mickey Cantor here to remind our fans in the stands the upper deck sections 500 to 535, hey, they're still under full coyote alert! A dingo ate my baby! Hang onto your little ones, folks! Let's get started!
- Hioh! Mickey Cantor here, folks, keeping you on top of all the action from Spunky Cola Arena...as well as my prison cell in Mexico. ¡Hola, amigos! Oh! Looks like the warden just found the Juice I was fermenting behind the radiator. More on that as things develop.
- Hioh! Welcome to another clone vs. clone matchup on Monday Night Combat! I'm Mickey Cantor, and I ordered Chinese food over two hours ago! Seriously, come on! Two hours?! Do not give the Lucky Dragon in Mexico City your business! It's unbelieveable! Kiss my Kung Pao!
- Welcome, everybody, to Monday Night Combat! We'd like to remind fans that we're committed to creating a safe, comfortable, enjoyable experience for only our Club-level and VIP guests. Everybody else...pay up for better seats next time! Hioh!
- For those of you wondering if we'd see the Jackbot tonight, I've been told it's been cleared to play after an investigation absolved it of all charges stemming from that nightclub lasering last weekend—I'd like to just say the word—allegedly!
- Hey, just a reminder, fans. Fighting, disruptive behavior, and abusive language are prohibited in the stadium...unless is for the express amusement of any of our wealthy VIP spectators. Who loves ya, baby?!
- Combat fans are encouraged to visit the Monday Night Combat Store to check out our new line of MNC spas sets with complimentary gift packs! First 1,000 people get a free Churro!
- Hioh! Fans are reminded that the building of shanty towns within 100 yards of the stadium is strictly prohibited. Hey, you don't have to be homeless, but you just can't squat here.
- Hioh! Fans are reminded the throwing of flaming projectiles is prohibited within the stadium's...family section. Ha ha! Hioh! Light 'em if you got 'em!
- Ok, the groundskeepers have just finished reloading the turrets so we're ready to go.
- Good evening everybody, welcome to another exciting match-up here on Monday Night Combat. I'm Mickey Cantor, hi-oh! I'm comin' at you live from the Steel Peel Arena.
- Tonight's match is brought to you by Steel Peel! Now in cucumber, melon, and pear blossom scents!
- Need protection from bullets, shrapnel, AND body odor? Hey, nobody can resist a Steel Peel man!
- Today's action is brought to you by GrenADE III sports drink! It's an explosion of flavor... in your mouth!
- You'll notice the combatants are no longer wearing the special memorial patch in honor of League Commissioner Michael White...who, as it turned out, has once again faked his own death to avoid paying back taxes instead of dying in a wood chipper accident as first believed. I wonder who was in that wood chipper, then, if that wasn't Michael White...
- Hioh! It's Monday Night Combat! Hey, folks, before we start, let me give a quick shout-out to the combat hooligans currently in control of upper deck sections 403 to 405. Listen, we've read your list of demands. Please stand by. Hey, if it was me, I'd hold out for more. Ha ha! Hioh! Let's get back to the action.
- Hioh! Hey, folks, today's broadcast is brought to you in part...by ME, Mickey Cantor, that's right! I paid for this spot so I can say anything I want! Please! You gotta get me out of this prison! I'm in here for two years! And for what?! So I introduced a few people. How was I supposed to know one of them was an arms dealer?! You just show up at your friend's jobs to see what they do?! I don't. It's called networking. Oh, for god's sakes, hey! Back off with the.. (electricity crackles, Mickey grunts in pain)
- To the lucky fan seated in Section 313, Row 7, Seat 8...CON-GA-RATS! You've been chosen to donate a kidney to the member of the elite overclass. Please stop by the press box to make your donation, pick up your voucher for a free stick of butter and some pre-war tomato seeds. Holy moley macaroni!
- Hi, everybody. This is Mickey Cantor reminding all the fans in the upper deck to check their ticket stub against the results of our population control lottery after the game tonight. Hey, good luck, everybody. We hope we see you tomorrow.
- I just got a note from our concessions director. Apparently, our Churros were infected with salmonella, toxoplasmolisteria, and a brand new strain of hepatitis. Yeesh, man, you better head to the restroom, folks.
- Hioh! Welcome, everybody! I'm Mickey Cantor, and this is Monday Night Combat! Hey, I got a quick announcement to the parents seated in Section 331, Row 12. Your child's been found safe and sound. However, we're keeping him! Hey! Let's take you to the field.
- Hi, everybody! Just a quick shout-out to the fans who live near the stadium. Listen, wanted to give you a heads-up we got a Jackbot on the loose in the vicinity. Please text "RAMPAGE" along with your location to 41F6G. Standard message rates apply.
- Hioh! Look at that! We got a fan proposing! Oh, let's get a shot o' the sign. "Oh, Debbie, will you answer into a marriage contract with me for a period of no less than five years with an upper cap of seven?" Aw! That is so sweet I just got a cavity.
- Get ready for pandemonium, folks. These two teams are ready to tear each other a new [bleep]! (chuckles) Hey, who said that?
- Welcome, Monday Night Combat fans. You know, we've got Clones vs. Bots today. Want you to get ready for some skull-crushing, spine-fusing, bone-breaking action...and that's just the fans waiting in line for the restroom.
- It's Pros vs. Bots today in the Monday Night Combat, our first matchup like this since the end of our All-Star balloting, in which the Jackbot became the first Bot ever to receive the highest number of fan votes amongst all candidates. You know, it's interesting to see what he does today.
- Welcome, combat fans, to Pros vs. Bots. Monday Night Combat would like to especially welcome our robot soldiers fighting overseas and listening in on the Cyborg Forces Network. We owe you a debt o' gratitude.
- It's a beautiful day for combat, violence fans, thanks of course to the Helios Corporation, who remind you that winter is coming in exactly 10 days, 3 hours, and 46 minutes. Hey, let's get to the action.
- Welcome, combat fans. It's Pros vs. Bots today in a battle that will once and forever answer the question, "Who's better at using performance-enhancing supplements: man or machine?"
- Which is superior: man or machine? Well, if you believe the spread in Vegas, it's definitely machine, and those odd-makers usually know their business. Here we go.
- Welcome to Monday Night Combat. It's Pros vs. Bots today, and I'll tell you the Bots have done a lot of trash-talking leading up to this event. Let's get right to the action.
- It's Father-Daughter Day right here at the arena. You know, it's good to see so many dads in the stands sharing a day of mortal combat with their little girls.
- It's man vs. machine in the ultimate test of strength, skill, and performance-enhancing supplements.
- It's machine vs. man tonight in the combat arena, and both have a lot to prove.
- Get ready! It's time for the all-out Blitz...on the Money Ball!
- Hey, hope you can keep that Money Ball safe. Those Bots are ready to do an all-out Blitz!
- I say Blitz, you say Moneyball! Blitz, Blitz! You're not keeping your end of the bargain, c'mon let's go!
Towards the player:
- Hey, what are you doing with all that money? Upgrade those skills!
- Hey you gotta spend money to make money; upgrade those skills!
- Wow, you're the king of Cha-ching! Upgrade those skills!
- Hey uh, skills are like trophy wives: you need to upgrade to stay competitive!
- Y'know, I think it would be a really smart move to upgrade your skills riiiiiight now!
- Hey, it'd be a really smart move to upgrade your skills now.
- Hey, your mom called! She wants you to upgrade your skills, hi-oh! ...No, seriously, she did call. How did she get my number?
- Hey, would you mind upgrading your skills? I got a little side-bet going on your kill-count.
- Hey who am I to tell you to upgrade your skills? I mean, I've only been calling this sport for three decades!
- Hey, if you're not going to upgrade your skills I've got a great business proposition for you: Botanical Skin Cream.
- Hey, if you're not going to upgrade your skills, can I get a loan? Seriously, I got some photos I need to buy back before they're made public. Haha, Hioh.
- Hey everybody, today's match is being brought to you by Steel Peel. Why does everybody gotta be moving around while I'm on air, huh?! You got two flipping hours to move around before the show! Now you're doing an interpretive dance here, I mean, come on!
- You know, if you got a few hundred in cash, the Annihilator's available, wink wink, huh? (Chuckles) Sounds like my personal relationships...sadly.
- What the what?! Where did that play come from?!
- Oh now, come on! That's what Monday Night Combat's all about, folks!
- Oh now that... is what Monday Night Combat is all about! (sobbing) You said it wouldn't hurt but it does!
- Oh! Did you see that? Amazing! ...amaziiing!
- Annihilator ready, the fans are on their feet!
- OH, WATCH OUT! Team Hotshots with an Annihilator attack!
- Annihilator, Icemen! That's a go!
- Icemen lets loose with the Annihilator!
- OH MY GOD! I just spilled coffee all over myself, I need a cooling salve. Hotshots with the Annihilator.
- Ha ha, oh man, I just spilled hot coffee all over myself! Haha... IceMen with the Annihilator.
- Woah, did you see that? Amazing! Somebody trademark that, Mickey Cantor Enterprises.
- Hi-oh, bacon. Yeah-hea!
- Hey, a Churro! Yeesh, man, you better head to the restroom, folks.
- Uh oh, flaming Churro! Some people think that's bad; I say, gimme two...that's what I say.
- Hio...oh, I gotta take this call. Hold on.
- Hio...oh! Geez, I think I pulled something. Seriously, oh! Ow!
- Hioh! Fans, if you're still watching this at home, you gotta get down here! We've got standing-room-only tickets still available!
- Oh, is it cold in here or did my ex-wife come to the stadium?! The Ice Men seem to be in control!
- Hey, the Ice Men seem to be putting the freeze on the Hot Shots!
- Hey, the Ice Men seem to be in control right about now!
- My vision's a little blurry. Are the Hot Shots winning this game? They are!
- Hey, the Hot Shots seem to be winning this game!
- Hioh! The Hot Shots are winning the game! Call my bookie!
- Oh, I bet Mr. Super-Fan regrets entering our mascot sweepstakes now.
- Hehe. Hey everybody, it's Monday Night Combat's loveable mascot, Bullseye! Kill him. Kill him NOW!
- Don't look now, but here comes Bullseye! It's the Monday Night Combat mascot! Hit him in his pants, he's got candy!
- And there's our beloved mascot, Bullseye! RUN FOR COVER, BULLSEYE! RUN!
- Here comes BULLSEYE! (chortles) Watch out, pal!
- Oh ho, there's Bullseye! Ohoy...has he got a surprise coming.
- Hioh! Here comes Bullseye! (chortles) We're in for a treat now.
- Bullseye is being performed today by Tim Cook of Delaware, who will earn six ounces of real cheese for his efforts today should he survive. Mm, mm, mm! Lucky man!
- Combat fans, remember that Bullseye, the MNC mascot, is available to help with your birthday party, your Bar Mitzvah, your marriage proposal, or to serve somebody with legal papers. Call today.
- Hey, normally, you shoot somebody, you're lucky if you get three dollars out of the deal. Bullseye's got cash to burn, people! Get him!
- Hey, be sure to send us a postcard and a legal waiver if you know a special super-fan who'd like to take the field of combat as Bullseye, the MNC mascot!
- Hioh! Hey, fans! You brought your sniper rifles from home, you're also welcome to take a shot at our mascot Bullseye for a chance to win money and prizes! Hey kids, throw a Churro at him!
- Haha, hey fans, it's Monday Night Combat's lovable mascot Bullseye. (Becoming threatening) KILL HIM, KILL HIM NOW!
Kills by Pros:
- Woah! What a kill streak! Hey, somebody's been drinking their Metabolightning in the morning! Hioh!
- If kills were like candy canes we'd be living in a wintergreen wonderland, hi-oh! Spearmint!
- You know, I don't think we've seen that this game yet!
- It's kill city out there, fans! The mortality rate is at an all-time HIOH!
- The kills are really piling up now! Good luck trying to score this one at home, kids!
- Oh, clones are being killed left and right, right and left, up and down...well, not so much up and down but definitely the other three directions! It's pandemonium!
- You know, I'm gonna have to check with our stats department, but I think we got a kill streak out there that looks to be approaching record levels!
- Woah, that kill streak's to die for! Die for?! (Laughs.) HIOH!
Kills by Bots:
- A Hot Shots team member crosses the River Styx and a Gremlin pays the fare.
- Ooh, an Ice Man is cloaked and smoked thanks to a Gremlin!
- Sometimes small and sneaky is the way to go, folks. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about...
- A Hot Shots member tips his hand and cashes in his chips thanks to a Black Jack!
- An Ice Man member gets his one-way ticket punched by a Black Jack.
- And a HotShot gets a pine condo courtesy of a Black Jack bot; sleeps one, no stairs.
- And a Black Jack overtakes an Iceman. You know, I use Black Jacks for my personal security detail, and I gotta tell you, firsthand, they do good work. Yes!
- Bouncers are programmed with over 4,000 wrestling holds, but one was all it took to take down a Hot Shots member right there.
- The Bouncers wrap up another package, this time with a Hot Shots team member for the bow.
- An Ice Man bites the dust thanks to a Bouncer...who's available for children's birthday parties. Visit the MNC website for details.
- The Ice Men lose a man to the relentless, remorseless, unstoppable killing machine that is our Bouncer.
- Well, we got an Ice Man who's gonna be all thumbs for a while thanks to a Scrambler Bot.
- We have a Scrambler on a Hot Shots member! That'll bite you in the gizzard.
- Loyalty and honor until decommissioned. That's the way of the Buzzer Bot. The Ice Men down a man.
- The divine wind strikes again! Hots Shots down a man thanks to a Buzzer attack!
- OW! A Hot Shots member snuffs it in a hail of Gap Shot fire!
- It looks like an Ice Man's joining the invisible choir thanks to a Gap Shot!
- Ooh, that has gotta be embarrassing! A Hot Shots member is down after a Slim Bot gets lucky.
- A Hot Shots team member is snuffed out by a Slim Bot! I'm sure they're gonna kick themselves when they see that on the film later.
- Oh ho! There's a surprise! A Slim Bot frags an Ice Man! I don't know why, but that sounds disgusting.
- You know, I imagine that Slim Bot was as surprised as anybody to score that kill! Look like the Ice Men are down a player.
- It's a slot machine on steroids! That Ice Man just hit TILT! Jackbot with the payout!
- Ooh, it's a walkin', talkin' piggy bank o' pain! Jackbot with the frag on an Ice Man.
- Well, there's no gold at the end of that rainbow, folks! The Hot Shots put another urn on the mantle thanks to Jackbot.
- You're not gonna get the Jackbot XL to give up his pot o' gold that easily (chortles), the Hotshots lose a member.
- GobiNumb Extra strength! Why heal it when you don't have to feel it?
- Want to fight bullets, shrapnel, and body-odor? Nobody can resist a Steel Peel man!
- And the following on-air tirade is brought to you by Steel Peel body spray. Why does everybody have to be moving around while I'm on the air, huh? You got TWO FLIPPIN' HOURS to move around! No one here's ever worked on TV before! Come on, people!
- Survivitol! Survive it all with Survivitol!
- Spunky Cola! What's that smell?! ...no seriously what is that smell? C-Can somebody open a window in the booth here? Damn it, Tony!
- Sprintz Sports Gum! Now with 10% less liver damage! And the sweet smell of lemons!
- LaseRazor! The shaving razor with an avalanche of foamy frozen comfort and the handle to help you turn that sandpaper into silk anytime, anywhere!
- Metabolightning! Hey, if the rumors were true, could we sell it?
- Spunky Cola! If it's legal to use, shouldn't it be legal to sell?
- Spunky Cola! Energy...loaded! Clear! (pretends to use defibrillator)
- GrenADE!!! An explosion of flavor...in your mouth!
- ApocaLips! Is it really cheating if everyone is doing it?!
- Total Recoil! Knock your enemies into next week!
- Dr. Trigger! Get your prescription for a sluggish rate of fire from Dr. Trigger, today!
- ItchyFinger! Hold it down without a frown!
- Aptilube! Patience, practice and persistence now come in bottle form!
- Skill Pill! We know the pills are big! We get it! We're working on it! Stop calling!
- FocusAll! Get you edge back faster with FocusAll! Now in sandwich-spreadable form.
- Ammo Mule! Keep your ammo cool...and your bacon hot!
- Round Hound! Less shootin', more lootin'! That's the Round Hound promise!
- HipClip! Open fire today, reload tomorrow.
- Smedley's Regeneration Bars! Smedley's, the tasty treat that gets you up on your feet, so you can knock your guy on his seat!
- Regenitol! Kills pain... DEAD!
- Regenegreat! You wanna kick some ass? You gotta outlast!
- Iturba by Martell Pierre! The eye. The attraction. The hunger. The shot placement. Iturba by Martell Pierre.
- Stevenson Family Organic Organ Farms! Voted the best organic organ farm in Illinois! Try their free-range livers!
- She's kickin' it old school! Grandma Betty's! The old-fashioned way to aim!
- IntelliClips! Because you've got enough on your hands already!
- Secrets of the Reloading Masters! Learn the secrets to faster reloading known only to elite assassins, wealthy industrialists, and Steven Pulchinski, the night manager at QuickLube.
- Biono-Grip, the bionic exo-hand with a million and one programmable uses asks you to “keep them professional", please!
- Achilles! If the mind is your enemy's greatest weapon, that's all the more reason to shoot them in the head.
- Uncle Taps’s Original Original Organ Highlighters! Don't be fooled by imitators.
- Uncle Tully's Original Organ Highlighters! Kinda like what the doctors use...only for shooting.
- Complete! Oh, that's gotta be a big confidence boost. These are not easy, folks.
- Success! Oh, that's gotta feel good!
- Hioh! I'd call that successful! You know, I haven't seen a play like that in years.
- Oh, tough luck. They'll have to try that one again.
- Oho, that is a shame. Let's hope they try that one again.
- And it looks like this challenge will go unfulfilled for now. Let's hope they try that again. You know, I really think they can do it.
- The Hotshots win! Yes! Hi-oh! I'm goin' to Vegas. I'm goin' to Vegas! Oh ho ho... Hit me!
- Oho, that's the game, and the Hot Shots take the prize! Hey, uh, somebody see if they can get me on the list for the victory party!
- Well, it looks like the Icemen are the winners...which is bad news for their fans, who are outnumbered 3 to 1 by the Hotshots combat hooligans waiting outside the Arena right now. Lets go live to that action.
- Oh-ho, what a finish! Well, I missed it myself, but I'm sure it was spectacular. Good night everybody!
- That's it for us, combat fans. This teleview is copyrighted by MNC for the private use of our audience. Any considering rebroadcasting this teleview or any part of it without MNC's consent need look no further than the tragic circumstances surrounding the disappearance of the Williams family of Toledo, Ohio. Three generations gone in a flash. Tsk, tsk. What a shame.
- Well, folks, that's it for Monday Night Combat. Remember the violence you see here is performed by trained combat professionals with a deep personal hatred for their opponents. Do not try any of these things you see here at home, unless you have a certified copy of our home game. Good night, everybody!
- And that's the game! Fans, please remember to save your ticket stub to get 50% off any government-issued food tube at your designated dispensary.
- Well, that's all, combat fans! Stay tuned right after this for a live State of the Union Address by His Excellency, President for Life, Potentate, Lord of All the Beasts of The Earth And Fishes of The Sea And All That He Surveys...Danny Depipida. Good night!